


Lonely Together

by overunderachiever



Series: Soulmate September 2020 [5]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: 4+1 fic, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Comforts Morality | Patton Sanders, Depression, Emotional Repression, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, PLEASE HEED THE TAGS, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, feeling numb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:08:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25995739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/overunderachiever/pseuds/overunderachiever
Summary: Four times Patton was there for Virgil, and one time Virgil was there for him.PLEASE HEED THE TAGS! This is really heavy.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Series: Soulmate September 2020 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1872199
Comments: 7
Kudos: 107





	Lonely Together

**Author's Note:**

> This story centres around themes of depression, contemplation of suicide, and extreme loneliness as well as mentions of panic attacks, hopelessness, emotional repression, and feeling numb. Please, please do not read if any of this is triggering for you or if it may effect you badly in any way.
> 
> Also bear in mind that I am not an authority on any of these subjects, nor do I know the correct way to handle these things in real life. I cannot guarantee this is an accurate depiction of any of these things or how to handle them as I am not writing from the right kind of experience. Basically this is a work of fiction and a slight vent fic, please bear that in mind if you do read it.
> 
> This has been your warning. I don't want anyone to get hurt by this. If you're in doubt, then just do not read it.

1.

The day Patton knew he had a soulmate was the first day of Elementary school. It was also the first time he helped them through a panic attack.

He had been packing his bag for school when he felt a sudden burst of stress and fear that could only have been from his soulmate. Patton knew it wasn't his own - he was nervous about starting school but he wasn't panicking - and the emotion itself felt...well the only way he could describe it was like hearing a very loud noise from very far away. He could tell it was strong, but it also was only the faintest amount, like someone calling to him from miles and miles away.

Patton knew he had to help. He put aside all his nervousness about starting a new school, and his excitement that he had a soulmate, and focussed instead on sending calming feelings to the poor kid. There wasn't really much he could do, but he had a lot of experience in pretending to be happier than he was so he just channelled those false feelings of positivity and optimism in the hope that it would help his soulmate calm down.

And it worked! Patton could have squealed with happiness as he walked to the bus stop and felt the fear give way to relief and then gratitude. It felt like he was watching through a telescope as someone a long way away turned to him and smiled. It meant all that day he didn't even have to pretend to be happy.

2.

For several years Patton would feel the occasional flare of emotion, good and bad, but nothing as awful as that first time. It was very rare that he ever had to send emotion to calm his soulmate again. But the emotional bond did get stronger was time went on and Patton often wondered what emotions his soulmate felt from him.

Then one day in middle school, while struggling to focus in class, Patton got a very sudden and very strong jolt of fear, like an anguished scream on the wind. It seemed far more direct than any flare of emotion had been before, clearly targeted at something very specific and tangible. This wasn't his soulmate's fear of what could happen, this was fear of something hurting them right now.

There was some other emotion too, mixed in there, one which Patton wished he didn't know so well: a bone-deep self loathing, believing the cruel things someone has said about you. In that moment Patton knew what it was that was causing his soulmate such pain. The feeling was almost exactly how he himself felt when someone pushed him down or called him names. But this was much stronger than anything Patton allowed himself to feel - he always squashed his emotions, not wanting to burden his soulmate.

He asked to go to the bathroom and hurried off as quickly as he could, grateful of the solitude so he could better concentrate on sending reassurances to his soulmate. They had to feel better about themselves and to stop being so scared of the bullies, so love and courage seemed to be the best emotions to send. Love to let his soulmate know they were not alone and weren't whatever the bullies were telling them they were, and courage so they would have the strength to carry on afterwards.

That was all Patton could do to help but it seemed to work for a few minutes later, sitting in a bathroom stall, he got a feeling like a sigh of relief, then a silent thank you. He walked back to class very glad he was able to help his soulmate, and hoping the positive emotion would last.

3.

Their soulmate emotional bond only continued to get stronger. Patton wasn't entirely sure if it was stronger than a normal soulmate bond or not, but he certainly wondered if most people were able to instantly tell precisely what the emotions were caused by, as well as what they were.

Case in point was finals of senior year. He could tell this time of year was always stressful for his soulmate (it was stressful for Patton too but he had gotten very good at hiding that - he didn't want to add to his soulmate's stress with his own) but this year it was worse than usual.

For the most part, his soulmate's stress levels seemed to be pretty constant, more anxiety than usual but not enough to be properly dangerous. But it all came to a head on a seemingly random day and, though Patton knew there was probably something that had set this off, their bond wasn't yet strong enough for him to be able to work out what that would be.

He was waiting outside one of his own exams when he was suddenly hit by that far-away sensation of extreme anxiety, so strong it threatened to make his own stress bubble to the surface. He squashed down his own emotions, focussing only on sending reassurances to his soulmate. Patton knew by now the breathing pattern to help with anxiety attacks and tried to send the pulses of calming emotion in time with that - one that lasted 4 seconds, then 7, then 8, and repeat. He was still sending those pulses when he walked into the exam and all while the invigilator was reading the exam rules, but his soulmate was calm by the time the exam started.

4.

The fourth time was on college moving-in day which Patton knew partly because it was the same day as his own and partly because their soul bond was so strong he could tell immediately what was hurting his soulmate without having to work it out.

His soulmate's panic attack had been coming on all day until Patton had just finished packing and he had to sit down with the force of the damn breaking. It was fear of the future, of living alone, and of being far from home. It was uncertainty at how they would look after themself.

And it was aching loneliness.

That last emotion was one Patton had known very well when he was younger but it had faded recently, as he got used to being alone and better at ignoring the feeling.

He calmed his soulmate down as he always did, helping them with their breathing and then sending reassurance that they wouldn't ever alone so long as Patton was there. It helped Patton, as it always did, to keep his mind off his own emotions, though he hardly needed to do that anymore when he was so good at burying them.

+1.

It was over a year later, thanksgiving. The campus was deathly still, almost everyone having gone home to spend the time with their families, whether or not they celebrated the holiday. Almost everyone but Patton.

He had been invited back home, but only in a single, formal text that made him feel like a distant relative invited only to be polite. So he had decided not to go, lying that he had too much work to do and he would spend time with his friends instead. He wasn't sure if that had been the right choice because now he had nothing to distract from his loneliness. The numb feeling that had been lurking at the edges of his subconscious since the start of the semester could no longer be ignored.

He had left his dorm early that morning, not caring that he wasn't dressed for such cold weather, and walked to the cliffs overlooking the sea. Patton didn’t know how long he sat with his feet over the edge, gazing down at the grey water crashing on the rocks far below. His thoughts had been so hazy and infrequent he wasn't aware of time passing.

Patton wasn’t sure why he tried anymore. The world was cruel and harsh and the small amount of kindness he could put back into it seemed to have as much effect as his tears were having on the stormy sea. No one would remember him if he left one day, his family and frineds all hardly knew him. Even he barely knew who he was anymore.

Now, he couldn’t seem to find that tiny loving spark that had kept him going for so long. There was just the numbing loneliness eating him up inside. He couldn’t even seem to feel the distant storm of emotions of his soulmate. All he could do was stare at the icy sea, beating an uneven rhythm on the rocks. Patton wondered if he would even be able to feel anything if he fell.

But he couldn’t do that. It wouldn't be fair to his soulmate. Soulmates were assigned by the universe so there would always be someone out there who understands how you feel. Very few people ever meet their soulmate, that wasn't the point. It was just so people know there is someone out there looking out for them, so they don't feel so alone. Patton knew he could never deprive his soulmate of that by dying. They would be singled out, pitied for their emptiness, looked down on for letting their soulmate get away.

So he did not jump. He just looked, and thought, and didn't feel.

_Not so far away, Virgil was hurrying across campus. There was a numbness crying out to him, deafeningly loud for something that felt so much like aching silence, that had been growing for months, opening up like a great void. That loneliness, so similar to how he felt once but also far far worse, was screaming for him as if to say "save me". "I need you"._

_And it felt close, physically close. Virgil couldn't quite tell what direction it was coming from, he was just running around trying to find where it was strongest, but he knew his soulmate was nearby. He knew what they were considering too. When he realised what direction he was headed in, Virgil's heart plummeted before his adrenaline spiked again, pushing him on faster._

_The cliffs. He was heading for the cliffs_

_The numb feeling was becoming clearer as he focussed on it - bone deep loneliness, hopelessness, dejection. He could practically feel the sight of the cold, heaving, unforgiving sea as an emotion in itself._

_He hurried along the cliff path, knowing he was getting closer. He was so close the soul bond was screaming, pulling him forward. He rounded a corner and..._

_There!_

_On the edge of the cliffs, a young man sat with his feet over the edge, gaze fixed on the cold embrace below. The man hadn't noticed him, probably couldn't even feel Virgil's emotions over the intensity of his own howling loneliness._

_Virgil didn't know what to do, he just stared at the man gazing at the waves. This was the man who had calmed him down during every panic attack, had been there for him when it felt like no-one else would be. This was the man whose kindness and love overflowed him, the man who had saved him so many times. The only light who had never burned out._

Something had changed, Patton could feel it. The winter sea still thrashed against the cliffs, the wind still screamed, and he still felt numb to the bone. But there was a tugging in his chest, faintly trying to pull him back from the sea.

It was fear.

No, not just fear.

Patton's brow furrowed as he concentrated on that feeling. That _feeling_. Oh God he was feeling something.

It felt like relief at finding him. Relief at finding him unharmed. Patton's head was too hazy to register just what that meant beyond _someone was glad he was safe_.

Then there was companionship too. Someone out there telling Patton he wasn't alone. He wanted to believe that so much, but his soulmate was basically obliged to keep him company. Still, it helped a little.

His soulmate was sending reassurance too, calming him, telling him it would be ok. It would be ok. _Everything will be ok. It might not feel like it now but I promise you it gets better_.

For the first time in months Patton _felt_ something. He focussed on those feelings, trying to let them flow through him, to gradually thaw him out. Then with a jolt he realised what it was his soulmate was sending him, those raw emotions flooding him: it was love. So, so much love.

Patton finally registered that he was crying. He watched the drops of salty water roll down his chin and fall, disappearing into the sea-spray below. He didn't want to follow them so much now. The waves of unconditional love continued to rush into him from somewhere behind and he finally realise how close they felt. Maybe his soulmate wasn't far away.

Slowly, slowly, Patton shifted away from the cliff until he was completely back on solid ground again. A few more deep breaths and he shuffled back a little further until he was far enough from the edge to pull himself to his feet. He looked out over the sea again - grey and cold under the winter sky - before he was finally able to turn away.

There was another young man standing on the cliff path a little way away, heartbreak and hope and love so visible on his face that Patton didn't need the soul-bond to identify it. For a second the waves of love stilled and then, through the growing storm of his own pain, he felt an emotion so clear it might as well have been spoken out loud.

_I know you're hurting. I know you're lonely. But I'm here for you. Please don't leave yet._

Inside a damn burst. Patton ran, stumbling, forwards, towards his soulmate, crashing into him and hugging him as if he might disappear. He broke, sobs wrenching themselves from his chest, tears spilling forth, shaking in the other man's arms. Every emotion imaginable, every emotion he had ever crushed down, was pouring from him, into the cold winter air.

Neither knew how long they stood there, maybe minutes, maybe hours, but gradually Patton began to feel something he had not felt for most of his life. It was difficult to identify but it felt _good,_ even with his lingering melancholy he felt _warm_. He was safe. He was _loved_ , he was _calm_ , he was _safe_.

He wasn't alright, far from it. But one day he would be. He had reached the lowest he ever would be and now his soulmate was holding him tight telling him, with absolute certainty, that one day it would all be ok. And Patton was beginning to believe it.

~~*~~

**Author's Note:**

> Ok I hope that was alright. Now go read something fluffy to recover if you need to, take care.


End file.
